Saturday, 5 May 2007

Blog Has Near-Death Experience

The blog is recovering well in hospital after nearly dying. Here the blog tells part of his story.

"I opened my eyes to find myself in hospital. A consultant was leaning over me.

Blog: Why am I here? What's wrong with me?

Cons: You're a tosser and ...

Blog: Well, why don't you fuck off and get some bedside manners.

[I know it's lavatorial humour but it's all I know. You may want to leave here.]

Cons: I told you. You're a tosser and ...

Blog: For fuck's sake, just tell me what is wrong with me.

Cons: I am, if you'll let me finish. Tosser and wanker.

Blog: Are you winding me up?

Cons: No! It's not pejorative but technically you are a tosser and a wanker. There are two syndromes each described with an acronym.

Blog: What? Are you telling me there are medical terms called TOSSER and WANKER?

Cons: Well, loosely: medical or psychological.

Blog: OK. I know this is a stupid question but why am I a TOSSER?

Cons: Because you fit the criterion:
Totally Over-Sensitive Scot Embarrased Remarkably

Blog: But a WANKER too?

Cons: Went Against Normal Knowledge of Emotional Responses

Blog: They're not the best acronyms are they? I'm hardly likely to visit my in-laws and say that I've been to hospital and they tell me that I'm a wanker and a tosser but ..... Guess I don't need to. They probably think this already.

Cons: See what I mean. It's not too bad! I know it's not the best but at least it is descriptive. If there is good news it is that there are very few real TOSSERS and WANKERs; you're in very select company. There are only six of you altogether. and four of them are very famous.

Blog: Come on. Tell me. Who are they?

Cons: Tony Blair, David Cameron, George W, Dick Cheney are obviously the famous ones and there's one other. You may have come across him: he's a blogger too - Iain Dale.

Blog; Yes, I've heard of Dale. But, for fuck's sake. I'm in with 3 Tories and 2 neo-cons. Christ, it's bad enough with Blogpower; they lean to the right but this is bloody ridiculous. What have I done to deserve this?

Cons: Basically because you've been a major league TOSSER and WANKER.

Blog: Do they all have exactly the same symptoms as me?

Cons: No, they're all slightly different.

Blog: Can you tell me why they're TOSSERS and WANKERS or does patient confidentiality kick in?

Cons: Confidentiality? For that shower of spinners and liars? It's bad enough that you're lumped in with them. You may as well laugh at them too. Right.

ony Oversees Serious Sequestration of Election Resources
Was Anglican. No Knowledge of Eastern Religions

Tories Only Select Successful English Racists
What A Novelty. Kickstarted Electoral Recovery

Top Officials Stole Series of Election Results
Wants Army Now to Keep Empire Ruled

Took On Secret Service to Eliminate Rivals
Wanted to Attack North Korea with Every Resource

Totally Opinionated Southerner Selectively Erases Responses
Was Angry. No Kudos for Election Reporting

Blog: Ha! I can see how they fit in but bloody hell! I'll never live this down. Tarred with the same brush as these five. That's so much worse than being called a TOSSER and a WANKER!

Cons: Sounds as though you're better now. I think you can go home this afternoon. Nurse: Will you organise transport home for the Tosser and Wanker in bed 4. Thank you.

Nurse: Who?

Cons: You know. The patient that's like Blair, Cameon, Bush, Cheney and Dale.

Nurse: Oh, the one we've been laughing at all day. OK. We'll be sorry to see him go.

Blog: Fuck this! I'm leaving now. Can't cope with being bracketed with these people!"

Thank goodness that there are only six real tossers and wankers!


  1. I'm going to go look up what "tosser" and "wanker" mean.

  2. Three shots of scotch. I'm a doctor and this is my prescription for you, young man.

  3. Ruthie:

    I did warn readers that they might want to exit the post early. But I will take your 2nd comment as theatrical rather than shock.


    If only on 2 counts: that I had 3 shots of whisky and that I were young. Unfortunately, no whisky and definitely not young!!

  4. Welcome back, don't be so hard on yourself, work hard at it - and be patient!

  5. calum glad to see you are on the mend. You write very well. I know that politics are your theme but may I suggest that you blog about any aspect of your life which seems relevent.


  6. Ellee: Thank you. Patience and I are strange bedfellows. Perhaps if I look around the house I may find a bag of it hiding away.

    Anonymous: Thank you for your kind words. Others have said, as you do, that I should widen my appeal. I'll try to do this.