I didn't expect to be back so soon. Perhaps I shouldn't have come back.
I left blogging in June because I no longer had the time, the mental energy or the urge to continue. I wrote previously about the eating disorder within our family and about the lack of treatment available in Scotland. The stresses, strains and anxieties arising from being a carer, to taking over virtually the entire responsibility for the home and family and fighting for appropriate treatment left me able to do little outwith my principal functions (see here). Some may not understand why I should be stressed but I am.
In the last two months little has changed for the better other than the kids are back at school and I am not parenting all my waking hours. In some areas we are worse off - but I don't need to go into those now.
I do what I do willingly and I would gladly do more if I could but I am struggling. I keep going because I have no option: I want to keep going; I need to keep going; the rest of the family needs me to keep going ... but it's so hard sometimes. I've got the much easier role - I'm not suffering from anorexia - but yet I struggle. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to live with anorexia or bulimia. In these circumstances blogging is an irrelevance and an impossibility. I hadn't thought about returning - not once. The few times I read blogs I consoled myself with the thought that, at least, I didn't have this burden too.
Why then have I returned? Anger and frustration.
Whilst I pursue treatment I have read lots of articles about anorexia and bulimia but a few days ago I was so stunned by a statement made by a health professional - the actual words are irrelevant - that I knew immediately that I had to use my blog to get improved funding for the treatment of eating disorders in Scotland. I won't blog to get early treatment within our family - I wil continue to explore less public avenues first - but the obscene delays imposed on seriously ill patients cannot be allowed to continue.
Although I know I couldn't write a blog in the same vein as previously, I hope my anger will give me the strength to blog for increased funding in Sotland. I don't know if the anger is sufficient to keep me going - we'll see - but this could be a short rebirth.
I make no bones about this: I am really doing this for me alone, to help me cope. I will benefit by venting my frustrations to the ether. I pray that others will benefit in some small way too but I can't hide behind that. I need to do this for me!
I accept that using my blog in this way is unlikely to make it a popular read - never was anyway - but, if I am fortunate, others with the same interest may find me and together we may drive politicians to increase spending. If I remain a lone voice, so be it. Releasing my frustrations will be enough.