Monday, 28 April 2008
Belated Birthday: Worthy of Celebration?
I noticed today that I have missed a birthday. This blog has been running (on and off) for exactly two months over 1 year.
Should I celebrate - belatedly? Should anyone celebrate?
There is nothing to celebrate but there are insights and lessons for me.
Had I realised what the last 14 months would bring forward I would never have started blogging. Blogging would have been an irrelevance but, having started, blogging has assumed an important role in my life. This might surprise many given the number of times I have considered killing the blog but let me explain.
Blogging has become my main form of communication with the world and an outlet for my frustrations, anger and fears but I've always had an uneasy relationship with blogging: wanting to write; wanting to kill the blog; frustration at my inability to make the blog more popular. I've never been able to get my head around the importance I attach to visitor numbers and comments but, today, all is clear.
I am incredibly lonely, not just because of our troubles, and have been for a very long time. Other than a brother and an aunt no-one ever phones, emails or visits. I'm in contact with no-one from school, no-one from uni, no-one from work. "Loneliness" is my middle name. I am long accustomed to living with loneliness; I accept it and I do nothing about it. It is in this context that I have found, and continue to find, my relative lack of blog visitors hard.
Here is the one area in which I am making myself visible, albeit
under a pseudonym, and yet I remain relatively blog lonely with some very honourable exceptions. I'm not making this point so that some will comment that they're sure I will have many more visitors than my stats show nor am I hoping that, out of sympathy, more may become regular visitors. I mention this only because I can now understand why, occasionally, I have a feeling of desperation about my stats: my overall loneliness. This is comforting to a degree because I guess we all have a need to feel a part of "something" whereas I generally feel apart from most things.
My route forward is clear. I'm doing the right thing by blogging: I'm going to meet other electronic pseudonyms. It's the rest of my life that's all wrong. That's where I need to become visible. Real contacts, real people, real friends, that's what I need.
What is also clear is why I have never been able to kill this blog. Kill the blog and I lose my ethereal contacts. Kill the blog and I kill part of me. With a much fuller and much more fulfilling real life blogging could become an enjoyment rather than a need.
I hadn't intended to write along these lines but rather, I was going to decribe how my blog had changed over the last 14 months but, as often happens to / with me, I became diverted into an more interesting area.
Will I see my second birthday? I wouldn't bet against it but, hopefully, I'll have changed significantly.