Monday, 28 April 2008
Belated Birthday: Worthy of Celebration?
I noticed today that I have missed a birthday. This blog has been running (on and off) for exactly two months over 1 year.
Should I celebrate - belatedly? Should anyone celebrate?
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
There is nothing to celebrate but there are insights and lessons for me.
Had I realised what the last 14 months would bring forward I would never have started blogging. Blogging would have been an irrelevance but, having started, blogging has assumed an important role in my life. This might surprise many given the number of times I have considered killing the blog but let me explain.
Blogging has become my main form of communication with the world and an outlet for my frustrations, anger and fears but I've always had an uneasy relationship with blogging: wanting to write; wanting to kill the blog; frustration at my inability to make the blog more popular. I've never been able to get my head around the importance I attach to visitor numbers and comments but, today, all is clear.
I am incredibly lonely, not just because of our troubles, and have been for a very long time. Other than a brother and an aunt no-one ever phones, emails or visits. I'm in contact with no-one from school, no-one from uni, no-one from work. "Loneliness" is my middle name. I am long accustomed to living with loneliness; I accept it and I do nothing about it. It is in this context that I have found, and continue to find, my relative lack of blog visitors hard.
Here is the one area in which I am making myself visible, albeit
under a pseudonym, and yet I remain relatively blog lonely with some very honourable exceptions. I'm not making this point so that some will comment that they're sure I will have many more visitors than my stats show nor am I hoping that, out of sympathy, more may become regular visitors. I mention this only because I can now understand why, occasionally, I have a feeling of desperation about my stats: my overall loneliness. This is comforting to a degree because I guess we all have a need to feel a part of "something" whereas I generally feel apart from most things.
My route forward is clear. I'm doing the right thing by blogging: I'm going to meet other electronic pseudonyms. It's the rest of my life that's all wrong. That's where I need to become visible. Real contacts, real people, real friends, that's what I need.
What is also clear is why I have never been able to kill this blog. Kill the blog and I lose my ethereal contacts. Kill the blog and I kill part of me. With a much fuller and much more fulfilling real life blogging could become an enjoyment rather than a need.
I hadn't intended to write along these lines but rather, I was going to decribe how my blog had changed over the last 14 months but, as often happens to / with me, I became diverted into an more interesting area.
Will I see my second birthday? I wouldn't bet against it but, hopefully, I'll have changed significantly.
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10 comments:
Maybe not an occasion to celebrate but I think keeping a blog going for a year is certainly something to be proud of. Many people don't make it past the first few months.
I've been blogging for nearly 3 years and there has been more than one occasion where I have been tempted to shut it down but I never have. Much for the same reasons as you I suspect. I enjoy the contact I have with other people online and I need someplace to vent.
It takes time to build up a regular bunch of visitors. It's taken me nearly 3 years to gather the few regulars that I have yet I've seen relatively young blogs with maybe 50 individual readers who regularly comment. Some blogs are just slow burners.
My stats are always all over the place and what with bloglines and google readers and other such tools a lot of posts get read but the hit never show up on the site. I wouldn't worry about it.
Well, yes, it is worthy of comment and celebration because it is serving a useful purpose.
I have no idea why some blogs attract loads of visitors. I visit one that has hundreds in a day and it's very introverted and self-promoting. I suppose you could say that about mine too! But I hope mine's funny and that I take the mickey out of myself, which this other one doesn't. So what I'm doing here is probably grumbling about my stats too!
But comments are best. And I can't remember where I was going with this so I'll finish ...
It seems to me that this blog is serving a very useful purpose for you Calum which is why you are so reluctant to toss it all in. As we all are at times, because for everyone at one time or another it feels like a monkey on one's back.
But somehow and I don't know how, we do connect with each other via this medium. We listen to each other here when in real life we seldom get to a deeper level with our real life friends acquaintances. We don't let ourselves be vulnerable there, but here we admit things we never could to people we actually know.
So in that sense it is cathartic and good for mental health. Just let your blog be what it has become and no doubt it will evolve even more over time.
Tell me, if you had 300 visitors a day, would you feel less lonely? I don't think so. You might feel jubilant and elated and justified but not less lonely.
Men are not very good at connecting with others on the whole or keeping in touch. But you know there are a many others out there, who are feeling just like you. So you might consider just reaching out a little. Even a greeting and a smile can be a welcome exchange and make both parties feel good.
An offer of a helping hand here or something similar. Small beginnings but you might just be amazed.
You need to get that job you were talking about, even if it is at Tescos. It will get you out and about, interacting and no matter what it is, do it to the best of your ability for that will bring its own reward. Or even consider volunteer work.
Good luck with it all. Take the reigns in your own hands and go.
JMB's second para pretty much sums this up from my perspective.
I wouldn't presume to comment on your blogs worth to you. But I guess all the time you are still doing it then it must still retain a (hopefully) positive value.
Chin up big man and keep on posting. As Oestrebunny says there are probably more people are probably reading here than you know.
There's so much in these 4 comments.
Bunny: Yes, you're right: I am proud that I'm still posting. Realising loneliness was key to my feelings about the blog is a major breakthrough. Understanding more of why I feel what I do about my stats hopefully will allow me to handle the vagaries of them much better than I have done so far. Realising just how lonely I am is also extremely important.
Despite the negativity contained in the post, I see it as a very positive sign: I understand myself better than I did before I started this post. Self-knowledge is important to self-improvement.
Liz: I know this feeling: I am going somewhere very quickly. Oh shit, where was I going?
jmb: There is no doubt: I am much more open here than I could be elsewhere. That's positive. I would never say anywhere else how lonely I was.
No, I wouldn't feel any less lonely if I had 300 visitors but I would feel less of a failure.
What I need to do in detail to start turning "things" round, I don't know. What's important at the moment is seeing my situation more clearly.
Grendel See all above.
ALL: Thanks so much for caring enough to take the time to respond so fully. I appreciate this.
Hi I found you at Liz and Harvey's place (and have not read any other of your posts yet)
I am not commenting because you 'need' comments but because you have struck a chord with me. I have not been on blogger long but feel ridiculously happy when someone comments at my place! On days when not many people visit I feel just a but fed up! I just enjoy the interaction I guess.
I feel as if I've made some 'real' friends in the blogosphere who encroach into my 'real' life because I think about them during the day when I'm not blogging. Here we can say things we could never bring up in a first conversation with a stranger and that is what is so unique and facinating
However it is no substitute.
I think you're right about the loneliness. That is why I blog.
Keep going, I hope to visit again sometime!
Congratubelatedions, Calum.!
James
Can you pronounce "Congratubelatedions"?
I think congratulations are in order :-)
Just an idea, enjoy your regular contacts and don't worry so much about how many visit. As you say over time, more will visit :-)
Calum, you have been doing a great job keeping this blog going, and being able to be so open and honest about the difficulties in your life. I do admire this greatly.
Somebody close to me has been going through a difficult time over the last couple of years. He has battled major depression and massive self-doubt. By chance, he recently came across the writings of Anthony de Mello and he has found it very helpful to read his work and listen to him. One of the main topics de Mello is concerned with is exactly this feeling of loneliness and how to deal with it.
A lot of de Mello's work is available online, including some (free) audio, just google for his name. Of course I have no idea whether this would be of any use/interest to you (and I have to admit that I tend to be weary of recommendations of this kind myself) but in the case of my friend it made a big difference in his outlook on life.
Either way, Calum, keep up the blog. It is important you get your message out, and you may be helping somebody else who is going through a similar experience.
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