I hope I'm in time.
I'm just finishing off my CV.
If I say it myself, "It's quite impressive!" Look here's a wee snippet:
30 years of financial management (1968 - 1998)
10 years of financial mismanagement (1998 - 2008)
Made crucial sub-prime decisions (1998 - 2008)
Living beyond means - very experienced (1999 - 2008)
Insufficient savings - very experienced (2002 - 2008)
Recovery plans - experienced (2000 - 2008)
Failed recovery plans - experienced (2001 - 2008)
No government financial support - experienced (1968 - 2008)
40 years with a RBS account (1968 - 2008)
I must be on the shortlist for Sir Fred Goodwin's position - possibly former position now - at the Royal Bank of Scotland!
Who could possibly be better qualified?
I'll just send this off to Gordon Brown. With these qualifications and as a fellow Fifer I must be a shoo-in.
I'll let you know how I get on. Wish me luck.
Update 1: (13.50)
Just had an email from GB. God, he's quick getting back to me.
It's looking good. He said that he's determined to keep the job in Scottish hands but I have to be careful not to let on because it would be politically explosive if this got out. I'll be so careful to keep this to myself. No probs, Gord.
Apparently I'm not quite as well qualified as some but being Scottish and a Fifer as well puts me right at the front.
I've to pop over to North Queensferry to meet him and Sarah. Said he'd be at home tonight. Fish supper OK? OK! I'd eat a scabby horse if it meant getting this job. 8pm. Be discreet, Calum.
Discreet, Gordon. I'll be as quiet as a mouse! You can trust me.
Can you believe it? Me at Gord's TONIGHT. Don't tell anyone will you?
I'll keep you posted.
Update 2: (14.40)
Another email! Bad news!
Remember, he said, wear your Rovers' scarf. That's it ! No chance now! Wear a Raith Rovers scarf! Wear the scarf of our local rivals! I can't. It would scorch my skin. I could never swap my Pars scarf for the Rovers! Never! Shit!
But wait! There is a chance. You know those worries about his sight. If I wear my black and white Pars scarf - the one with no writing on it - he'll probably see it as dark blue and white. I might get away with this, do you think?
Brill! Fish supper at Gord's and then top job here I come!
Update 3: (20.20)
Didn't even get across the door. I could smell the fish suppers too! You're a bloody Pars fan! Then a great clunking fist knocked me backwards. "Fuck off to Dunfermline!"
"Broon, ya bastard! Better not take your jacket off cos every peg is fucking shoogily. Broon yerra loser!"
Well, I'm back home now. Back to my normal humdrum life. I could have gone that job but now that I'm out of the running they've given it to someone from British Land.
Could have been me. If only ...... I could have worn a Rovers scarf.
If only .........