Yesterday's Observer 'paper included a magazine with the title "Sex Uncovered". I know you'll not be interested in the content but there is one article to which I must refer.
A nurse - female - describes some of the scenes which appear in A&E. I guffawed at a few examples. You, however, being very prim and proper will probably utter a "tut tut".
"A vicar came in once with a potato stuck up his bum. He was mid-fifties, with grey hair and well spoken. He walked in and said: 'I've had an accident.' He explained to me, quite sincerely, that he had been hanging some curtains, naked, in the kitchen, when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato. It's not for me to question his story but it was a big potato. More baked potato size than Jersey. He had to undergo surgery to have it removed."
Lesson: Don't hang curtains when naked. If you must hang curtains when naked tie string to any potatoes lying about.
"A young lad came in, in his early twenties. He had a long jacket on, opened it, and there it was. He had got a carnation stuck in his willy. He said he's been doing it for pleasure. I've never seen that before and doubt I'll see it again. All the nurses came round for a look."
Lesson: Never do this with a rose! Please display flowers in a vase with water.
"A woman came in with a vibrator stuck up her. She had a large anatomy. She was a big woman, in every sense. The thing was, the vibrator was still on."
Lesson: Wait until the battery runs out before going to hospital. Why buy size 16 clothes when you are a size 8?
One case which didn't reach A&E was:
"One couple got suctioned together in the bath and had to call the paramedics to prise them apart."
Lesson: If you must have sex in the bath make sure you have a friend in the bathroom with you.