Monday, 27 October 2008

What Goes Up .........

Yesterday's Observer 'paper included a magazine with the title "Sex Uncovered". I know you'll not be interested in the content but there is one article to which I must refer.

A nurse - female - describes some of the scenes which appear in A&E. I guffawed at a few examples. You, however, being very prim and proper will probably utter a "tut tut".

"A vicar came in once with a potato stuck up his bum. He was mid-fifties, with grey hair and well spoken. He walked in and said: 'I've had an accident.' He explained to me, quite sincerely, that he had been hanging some curtains, naked, in the kitchen, when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato. It's not for me to question his story but it was a big potato. More baked potato size than Jersey. He had to undergo surgery to have it removed."

Lesson: Don't hang curtains when naked. If you must hang curtains when naked tie string to any potatoes lying about.

"A young lad came in, in his early twenties. He had a long jacket on, opened it, and there it was. He had got a carnation stuck in his willy. He said he's been doing it for pleasure. I've never seen that before and doubt I'll see it again. All the nurses came round for a look."

Lesson: Never do this with a rose! Please display flowers in a vase with water.

"A woman came in with a vibrator stuck up her. She had a large anatomy. She was a big woman, in every sense. The thing was, the vibrator was still on."

Lesson: Wait until the battery runs out before going to hospital. Why buy size 16 clothes when you are a size 8?

One case which didn't reach A&E was:

"One couple got suctioned together in the bath and had to call the paramedics to prise them apart."

Lesson: If you must have sex in the bath make sure you have a friend in the bathroom with you.


    The number of times (when trouser zips were relatively new) that men came into Casualty to be removed from their zips made me glad to be female.
    Then there was the time that I went on duty, just missing the event that had everyone talking. A young couple were on the settee when her parents came home unexpectedly. The poor girl went into spasm. They had to be stretchered in still joined. Don't suppose that affair lasted!

  2. This is just the tip of the iceberg Calum as any ER physician would be glad to enlighten you.

    Articles requiring removal from bodily orifices would boggle the average person's mind.

  3. jmb

    Is an iceberg not a bit big?

  4. I remember seeing a programme on Channel 4 which had a top 100 of sexual misadventures, which was truly a eye-opener, and indeed waterer!

    My personal favourite was the Glaswegian who was the only individual to choose to appear in person on the programme - the sheer gallus was brilliant. He proceeded to proudly tell the world how he had decided to make love to a melon. Feeling it wasn't real enough, he decided to warm it up in the microwave. Removing his lover, he couldn't wait to have her, and inserted himself into the still cooking orifice...

    A proud moment for those of us living in Glasgow, I can tell you! =)

  5. That last one's worth trying out.

  6. NAVIW

    Brilliant! The mind boggles. I'll never be able to look at a melon in the same way again. Only a Glaswegian would have the bottle to "show himself.


    Not sure what you mean here, James. Are you saying you'd like to try sex in the bath with a watcher or make love to a cooking melon.

  7. I'll have to ask my doctor friends about this! I hope you are well Calum.

  8. Why do I feel that other people's lives are SO much more interesting than mine? And wherever do they get these ideas from? I can understand vibrators (they seem to be the norm these days) But potatoes? Flowers? But then there was that notorious Richard Gere/hamster episode.

  9. LOL Like JMB I have also heard some quite urggh tales!

  10. Haha Calum, I would never dream of doing that sort of thing to my ringpiece but it is funny to read such stories....

    If you think a spud is bad, what about a concrete mix enema?

  11. I worked as a nurse aid once! On the men's medical ward! preparing the men for operations..........I had to shave them! Yes............there! LOL! With a razor, at 16! LOL! Yes, I must write it up sometime.

  12. James No point going shy. We know you fancy either sex in the bathroom with someone watching or sex with a cooking melon. May as well tell us which one it is.

    You could become even more popular if you do a photo post of your choice. Well, possibly not.

    I do remember when I did a Blog Reprise which included Kylie's Arse you said your were tempted to post your girlfriend's.

    I think there's a bit of the exhibitionist or fetishist about you.

    i'm sure you've got some stories you could tell us. e won't think any less of you. Honestly!! :-)

  13. Mrsnesbitt I look forward to your atory.

    You say, "had to shave them! Yes............there! ..... With a razor,...."

    How else were you going to do it? Pluck them?

  14. SSSSooooo funny calum..... :-) and I am sure there is more to tell