Monday, 28 December 2009

Open Letter to Alex Salmond

Dear Alex

I wasn’t going to write you but I knew that you’d go all grumpy and complain about being ignored.  I know that you’d say that I had fallen into standard London-centric thinking, as though I could ever.  My reasoning was much simpler: how could I -  a mere blogger, a mere mortal – ever modify the thinking of one of the world’s great egos minds?  Later I realised that my insignificance – compared with you, O Great Emperor of Scotland, of All Things Scottish and Denier of the Union  – might leave a chink which I could exploit.

Your smirk, Alex, that “what the fuck do you know about it, you insignificant gnat” look is your greatest flaw although your utter superiority, your contempt for all your political opponents, your ruthless sarcasm run it close.  I know it’s difficult for one so greatly talented, Alex, but a smidgeon of humility would work wonders. 

Take a look at Nicola Sturgeon.  Now, she has the common touch.  She connects with people.  She is human. 

Bloody hell!!

That’s it, Alex,  you are not human.  You’re an incomer, dare I say it, an alien and your masters haven’t quite perfected the software.  Get on the blower now and tell them to reprogram that smirk but, I guess, it’s too late now. You’re exposed.

What I can’t understand is, “Why Scotland?”  Why not Britain?  Why not the great US of A? Your race is in there too, aren’t they.  Brown has an earlier version of the software which is why he appears so wooden.  Your update over-corrected.  I guess Bush didn’t even have the alpha version – probably just a few lines of code written on the back of a fag packet -  and as for Obama another over-correction isn’t it. 

Your race really struggles to understand the nuances of human behaviour. Each of you is just a caricature of humanity.  Spitting Image came closer than your alien power to capturing the reality of human life.

I’m sorry, Alex.  No, I’m not!  There is no advice for you.  There can’t be.  You’re not one of us.  We followed you but your only interest was to increase your power and that of your alien race and, you know what Alex, I’m not worried.

Now we know. Now we can see you as an alien creation your power has dissipated.

Goodbye, Alex, you little piece of alien shit!

Goodbye all you other “leaders”.  You’re all little pieces of alien shit.


  1. Having been so bold as to write to our glorious and almighty Fat Eck I can only think of one higher figure you could write to.... An open letter to God? Big G, The Big Man himself? (Although Fat Eck may disagree that this is moving higher).