Saturday, 6 February 2010

Early Excuses

Andrew has “invited” me to play golf with him as soon as we get a good spell of weather.  I think “challenged” is more appropriate than “invited”. 

I hardly know the man.  We met for coffee in Edinburgh and, no doubt, having assessed my physical condition he believes that I am ripe for the taking – in golfing parlance, at least.  In no other respect could I be considered ripe or even over-ripe: putrid, rotting may be.

He is already talking about being afraid that I might beat him. 


A regular golfer, Andrew, versus me, fat Calum.  No more than 10 rounds of golf in the last 20 years and none at all in the last 10. In fact, my clubs haven’t been out of the wardrobe for 10 years;  my caddy-car I was given when I was 14.

He’s winding me up!  Playing psychological games.

Won’t work, Andrew.  For such games to work the target must have a brain of 2 grey cells, at least.  I miss this target and so I am immune.

Not only am I older, fatter, less fit and played much less golf than Andrew my clubs are themselves of the veteran stage.  I bought them from a colleague in 1977 for £35!  They’re old and stiff just like me!

Andrew, you’re onto a winner.  You can’t lose!

Not only the list above but, almost 10 years ago, after a series of mishaps I had major shoulder surgery.  I’m a wreck!  And he thinks, or he says  he thinks, that he may lose.

Bollocks!  Bullshit!

I’m not going to get rushed.  I’ll take my time and prepare as best I can without letting him see me in action (or is it, “inaction”).

I’ll not win. It won’t even be close but I’ll give myself every chance to perform to the best of my abilities.  We’ll play when I am ready or as ready as I’ll ever be.

Do I need more excuses?

What do you think, Andrew?

What I have done though is to remove any chance Andrew has of glorying in certain victory over me. 

Ha!  Don’t care if you beat me now! :)


  1. When it comes to golf I'm a shankasaurus.

  2. "shankosauraus" leads me to think of another dinosaur, a much ruder dinosaur than yours but,for once, decency holds me back.

  3. Actually I don't see golf as a battle, just a bit of a laugh among pals. Mind games? Moi? You misjudge me. I just want to make an old man happy (or perhaps two old men, if you include me). I'm fairly rubbish at golf, but I love it. Mind you, I don't think I've been beaten since about July 2009. I look forward to it if you think the shoulder, and the mind, can take it.

  4. Andrew

    I said nothing about a battle but I will be there.

    As I said in the post my brain and, therefore, mind are too small to be affected by anything.

    I look forward too.

  5. Take him on Calum... Go on take him on!

  6. Breathlessly waiting for the challenge result. May we have a video? (excluding curses'words, of course!)

  7. Claudia, don't hold your breath, for God's sake.

    The game of golf between friends won't be happening next week.

    I'm waiting for Andrew to age a bit more!!??

  8. Hmm! I think you guys should just enjoy the game of golf together.

    I play board games mostly with the guys and some (one) of them tries to analyse the games too much.

    The point of the game (or golf) is just to enjoy it :-)