Thursday, 11 February 2010

Ooh! Cashmere for My Bum

This seems like the ultimate! 

What could be softer than wiping my bum with cashmere?

The luxury!

Well, not quite.

According to today’s Daily Telegraph,

“Cashmere, one of the softest and most prized materials, has been used to add an extra layer of extravagance to the sheets of paper, ensuring consumers enjoy the bottom line in comfort.

The loo rolls have gone on sale in Waitrose, the supermarket with a legion of loyal and discerning middle-class customers.

The supermarket won't reveal quite how much cashmere goes into each roll, but insists it is a "significant" amount. No cashmere fibres themselves are included in the manufacturing process. Rather, the paper is covered in oil extracted from the hairs of the cashmere goat.”

What a non-story!  The newspaper has written an article which serves as free advertising aimed at pretentious arses with more money than sense.

If it’s softness you want, don’t buy these expensive toilet rolls.  Buy the cheapest toilet paper , put cheap vegetable oil into a spray and then, before each wipe, spray your bum.

I’m off to experiment now!

I’ll report back.

UPDATE@13.15   Works a treat.  Lovely smooth, soft bum with the odour of a chip shop. 

I’m going to market a bum oil spray:

“Smooth your way through life with Calum’s ARSE-LICKIN OIL”  

“Don’t soil, OIL”

but no doubt John Lewis will market an upmarket cashmere spray.


  1. Oh to be as rich as Creosote when you truly could wipe your bot with cashmere scarves!

  2. Meanwhile, the country falls apart.

  3. Jams
    If you were as rich as this you'd give your money away to help those less fortunate.

    Never thought of spraying Creosote on my bum. Might be a tad painful but then it'll stop my bum from rotting.

    "Meanwhile, the country falls apart."
    That's the free-market at work. Make money whenever, wherever you can. "Where there's muck there's brass"

  4. Does this explain why goats don't seem to buy toilet paper? Or is my logic failing me again?

  5. You've got it in one, Andrew, but then again neither do porcupines.

  6. Maybe it is just me but I don't want oil on my bum!!!

  7. I was told, by my mother, that at one point, people used newspaper, cut nicely 10 by 6. Considering what we read today on the printed page, I think it would deserve more than ever to be still used that way.

  8. Claudia I remember that my grandparents had a white wooden box which held bits of the Radio Times cut to about the size you mention and held together with a piece of string tied through one punched hole.

    What I don't remember is whether this was a backup to toilet rolls or if this was the main thing. Mind you newspaper was probably softer than the hard Izal paper which was available then.

    Before Andrew comes back let me say that this was in the 50's.