Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Teaser Revealed: Part 1

Yesterday I re-posted a little teaser from September 2008.  The teaser was:

What links:
•   snowboarding (in garden)
•   mattress
•   circus workshop

The answer is ……. my medical records!

In this and two other posts I’ll describe in some massive detail how I’ve got this embarrassment in my notes.  The teaser was simply a way of introducing these daft stories.  Hopefully you’ll find them amusing in bits.

Today I describe Snowboarding in the Garden.

Part 2: Mattress is here.

[UPDATE: This story is too long.  When I get a chance I’ll edit it quite severely.  Apologies]

I wasn’t even snowboarding in the garden but was standing upright in our plastic sledge.  If our garden was precipitous you would see easily how there might be a rather serious entry in my medical notes but there isn’t.  We have a very gentle slope which is sufficient on crispy snow to slide slowly.  These were the conditions in 2000 on my birthday.

The children and I were out and I was pulling them to get  up some speed.  Great fun.  Laughter.

Then I had a shot but I decided to stand up, the sledge started sliding slowly and remained at this gentle pace until after about 10 yards I stepped out.  Right foot first (up-slope leg) and followed immediately by my left (down-slope leg). 

Perfect!  Kids loved this.  What could go wrong?

Well, firstly I went off to Tesco, came back and immediately went back outside for another shot.

Big mistake!

I followed exactly the same routine as before sliding slowly down the slope.  I stepped out – or rather I didn’t – my right foot (up-slope) was fine, planted on the snow but for some reason my left foot didn’t move.

You can imagine what is happening.

My right foot is firm on the snow but the rest of my body is still upright in the sledge.  I know what is happening;  I see it in ultra-slow-motion; I know the injury that’s coming.  My right leg is straight but is now starting to bend inwards.  Fuck! Ligaments going here. Painfully obvious.  I saw it all until I over-balanced gently and fell forward onto the snow.

Aaagh!   Oojah!   Aaaaaagh! 

It’ll soon be better said Mrs Carr.  She knew from experience that I am a squealer.  She’s seen me crossing Princes Street, suddenly hit the deck with a squeal, get up, hobble for a few seconds and then walk normally.  My ankles are knackered basically.

“No!  I’ve done my ligaments” as I pulled myself up on the frame of the kids’ swing.  “Aaagh.”

I remember thinking, “I’ve torn my knee ligaments so why is my shoulder sore?”

Fuck, this was sore.  Sorry! That should have been “Fuck, this was fucking sore”.  Pain as I’ve never experienced pain before.

Somehow, eventually I got upstairs and back into the house.

“Hospital” said Mrs Carr.  “No.  They’ll only send me away with a crepe bandage and tell me to see my GP if it’s not better in a few weeks.”  I ruled out going to the GP for the same reason.

Mid-day on my birthday – 51 – and I have to stand, can’t sit, nobody taking this too seriously including me.  Eventually I gave up.  I had to get the GP to come out and give me stronger pain-killers.

Two hours later the GP arrived, gave me painkillers but didn’t say what she thought was wrong with my shoulder.  “Hospital for you”, she said,  I’ll get you an ambulance”  “ A taxi is fine”  She won.  An ambulance it was but there might be a delay since this wasn’t an emergency.  I could live with this.

To speed things up once I reached hospital she phoned ahead so that an orthopaedic doctor would see me.  Big mistake!

Shite!  I can’t go into A&E dressed like this!  Despite my injuries …ah! ..and despite the pain ….ah! … I struggled into more presentable clothes.

3 o’ clock passed and 4 o’clock and 5 and, thank fuck, here it is.

A quick – well slow – hobble into the ambulance and in no time I arrived at A&E, refused a wheelchair because I couldn’t bend my leg, booked in, was helped onto a trolley and was left in a ward of empty cubicles  … other than mine obviously.

Another 2 hours passed before I was seen by anyone.  The GP’s phone call had taken me out of the normal A&E queue and had me waiting for an orthopaedic doctor whom I’m sure left me waiting much longer than was needed because she was pissed off that the GP had gone direct to them.  A quick glance and nothing said other than I’d go for X-ray which would be delayed because I had to be X-rayed in Resusc not because I was poorly but because I had to be X-rayed whilst on a trolley.

More time passed before I was moved to just outside Resusc.  Then at 8pm I saw the other side of the NHS.  The head nurse, equivalent to Charlie in the early series of Casualty, walked past me and said, “Do you know what you’ve done?”  “No!”  “Dislocated your shoulder”.  Bloody hell.  Simply by seeing how I was “carrying” my arm he had told me more than GP or orthopaedic doctor.

In less than 20 mins I was in recovery.  He wheeled me into resusc, took X-rays, checked with the orthopaedic department that it was OK to go ahead and put the joint back, pulled in two young doctor and off they went. 

The sleeping juice went in, I slipped gently towards a pain-free space but I was still aware of what was happening.  One held the trolley, one held me while the other pulled like hell on my arm.  Nothing happened other than the trolley moved.

“I think he needs a bit more (anaesthetic)”.  I laughed to myself as I said to them, “Too fucking true!”  but no words were formed or uttered.

I knew nothing of what happened until at 8.20 I was in recovery.  No pain, shoulder obviously in place.  Later an auxiliary came in and said to me that he had brought crutches for me.  I looked at him as if to say, “How the fuck am I meant to use crutches (for my right knee) when my right arm is in a sling. He understood.

A taxi home at 22.30 brought my birthday almost to an end.

What a birthday!

What a plonker!

Snowboarding in the garden!  There’s no fool …….


Part 2: The Mattress will be revealed tomorrow.


  1. Sorry I got out of the habit of visiting when you didnt post for ages and I have a lot to catch up. By the way the dislocated shoulder is very painful but harmless as I am sure you know...

  2. OK, so the snowboarding dislocated the shoulder and gives you one excuse for losing at golf (I do see what your are up to here pal). Next, the mattress, I suppose that is going to be used as an excuse for poor rotation on the backswing. Can't wait to hear about it. I have Spina Bifida Occulta by the way - honest I do, look it up - a congintial defect of the spine which once had be immobile for about a week. I'll have a 2nd excuse ready to match your mattress and raise the stakes, prior to my third card to trump your circus training one).

  3. Andrew
    You know what I'm up to, do you? Bit difficult that because I'm just a simple blogger looking for some easy posts. Here I have 1 tease plus 3 stories.

    I think you're getting worried and reading far too much into innocent words.

    You can have a thousand excuses ready if you wish but nothing will change the result - a win for you against a fat, dreadfully unfit, old man who hardly knows what a golf ball looks like.

    And you're worried!!!!

  4. The more pathetic and useless the opposition Calum, the more dreadful is the prospect of defeat (however remote). So yes, you've got me truly terrified :) Can't sleep at might thinking about the vision of Calum Carr blogging about his glorious return to the fairways. Besides, I expect you are getting two lessons a day every day now....

  5. You can say whatever you wish, clever or more likely thoughtless, I will walk serenely. My clubs will see the light of day as and when I'm ready.

    Oh, I'll be asleep soon. What have you got planned?

  6. What have I planned Calum? Doubtless another night of tossing and turning, dropping off for a moment only to see the vision of Calum Carr's hands held high in triumph on the 18th green... Sitting up straight awake again, try to get back to sleep, but that little voice in the head "Calum's winning... Calum's winning...." Oh dear me, the torture. Sweet dreams ma man :)

  7. I see you winning on the 10th green, Andrew. You must have a massive complex.
    Not only is there only today, there is only this moment!

    Seems as though you still have to learn that. :)

    I really feel for you that a simple game of golf should take on such proportions!

    Perhaps your view of the outcome will change once you've heard about the mattress.