Thursday, 13 May 2010

Am I a Twit? YES

Yesterday I posed this question?

Today I can answer unequivocally.

I AM A TWIT

For some reason I was incredibly tired today - that doesn’t make me a twit.  This was probably the result of a poor night’s sleep because of the ToLi’s voodooism which gave me a severe muscle spasm in my neck yesterday.

I fell asleep in front of my pc, I put my car in for its MOT, I fell asleep in front of my pc, I had lunch, I fell asleep in front of my pc, I lay down on the settee at 2pm, I fell DEEPLY asleep.

At 3.16 I woke with a start.   Shite!!!

I’ve to pick up younger child from school at 3.15.  Shite!!!

And I’ve no car!!!  I’ll have to walk.  Shite!!!

I started to walk / run.  No! I don’t run now.  I walked as quickly as my delicate legs would carry my bulky frame.

I phoned the school.  Please press ‘1’ now for the school office   Shite!!!

I’ve got a new phone – bloody touchscreen.  Daft choice at my age but I am a twit after all.  “How do I press “1” when there’s no keyboard.“   Fuck!  I have done it.  How!  How!  Shite!!! 

“Just give up and walk, Calum.”

Mobile rang.  The school!  “Hello”, Hello – I didn’t recognise the voice  - and then silence.  “Hello”, Hello – I still didn’t recognise the voice – and then more  silence.

Hello”, Hello”, Younger child, is that you?”  Now I didn’t really say, “Younger child”.  You realise that I can’t use the actual name here.  Sorry, you worked that out for yourself.

Eventually I reached school – only about 13 minutes late, went to the school office and the deputy head opened the door. 

I’m sorry I’m late for younger child: I fell asleep

“Lucky you,” she said but I know she really wanted to say,

“Calum, you are a fucking twit!”  ……….. except she doesn’t know me as Calum. 

I AM A TWIT !!

13 comments:

  1. You are so kind, Claudia. You make my being a twit seem almost a delightful thing to be.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wouldn't forgive you, if you were boring, Calum. And I would soon vanish from the scene.

    ReplyDelete
  3. In real life, Claudia, I AM boring!

    A real BOF!

    Fortunately, my ethereal life is not quite so boring.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Boring people don't listen to New Orleans Jazz...

    ReplyDelete
  5. James At least I didn't have a lost apostrophe :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Claudia

    New Orleans Jazz or not the real me is ...... wonderful, brilliant, intellectual, slim, fit, good-looking (for my age)..... and just a teeny weeny bit boring :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. No, the teacher does not know you as "Calum", she probably knows you as "that big twit of a father of (younger child)". Now "Calum", although of course I know you as something else, about this "slim, fit, good looking" you. Why did you send that fat old twit to have coffee with me and pretend he was you?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well at least you got there in the end ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. CherryPie - I truly love you. In your comments, everywhere, you always go right to the important point. Twit or not, Calum picked up his child. Nothing else matters....

    ReplyDelete
  10. Andrew I wasn't pretending to be all that I said. In fact, the very opposite. All were so ridiculous that "teeny weeny bit boring would be seen as ridiculous too.

    I am boring in real life.

    ReplyDelete