In the last few weeks I have reposted my 2009 open letters to David Cameron and to Alex Salmond as well as penning advice to Johann Lamont. With Gordon Brown’s return to the fray it’s worth looking back at my 2009 letter to the then Prime Minister. It’s worth doing because I don’t have to find something fresh to write about.
You don’t mind my calling you “Gordon” do you? You’ve had such a major effect on my life that I feel I know you so well that familiarity is acceptable.
Do you remember last year you almost gave me the job at RBS to replace Sir Fred Hoodwink? You invited me to North Queensferry for a fish supper and I called you some rather ungentlemanly names,
"Broon, ya bastard! Better not take your jacket off cos every peg is fucking shoogily. Broon yerra loser!"
Mind you you had told me, after your clunking fist knocked me for six, to "Fuck off to Dunfermline!".
I have forgotten about that unseemly incident and I wish only, as you do, for the best for the country. You have the power in your hands to transform our dear land and it is in this spirit that I offer you advice.
You must be so pleased to (delighted possibly) have had such positive news from the recent ICM poll in The Guardian. At last a Conservative victory is not a banker. Sorry! How you must hate that word! They led and benefited from our apparent economic success and then caused our real demise and still they pay themselves massive bonuses while you, poor Gordon, are left to pick up the pieces. How were you to know they were selfish bastards?
Back to the ICM poll again. A hung Parliament, possibly or even, let’s pray, another Labour victory is on the cards. I wouldn’t bet on Labour yet – I would but your policies have left me in poverty. “A small price to pay” I’m sure you would say “and imagine what life would be like under the Tories”. I know that prospect doesn’t bear thinking about but you, and your government, might have left me with a tad more cash. I’m sorry I’ve been diverted from my main point which is, with defeat no longer certain, to offer you some advice on the route forward.
You must be so confused. So much conflicting advice: “Go to the country in March before the next Budget”, “Give more time for the Labour recovery to grow”. Also so many of those who favoured your stepping down have changed their tune. They feel they may save their seats if you go in March. Do these people have no thought other than their own survival? At least, in you, we have a Prime Minister who has always put the needs of the country ahead of his own selfish desires! I know many say the opposite but they are jealous of your prodigious talents and achievements.
While many would have stood up to Blair over Iraq and saved billions of pounds and, much more importantly, hundreds of thousands of lives you were steadfast. Resign and the country would never benefit from your prodigious talents as Prime Minister. You stayed, not for your own personal ambitions, massive as many say them to be, but for the country! I feel so humble – and poor too, for that matter – that you put the country so far ahead of your desires. What a man you truly are!
I’m sorry if you think I’m buttering you up so that you’ll take my advice but I am. I’m trying to help you make the correct decision.
You’re known, as Michael White so unkindly put it, as a “ditherer”. That is so unkind, Mavis. Are you OK with my now calling you “Mavis”? Sorry, remember Mavis Reilly from Coronation Street. Years ago. Only those of a certain mature age will remember.
I’ve been diverted again. You are such a great man that I am dithering. Enough. Time to make my point.
Mavis, don’t listen to those who want an election in March. Those people are selfish and think only of themselves. Don’t listen to those who want you to hold off until the last possible moment. All that matters is doing everything to save the country from Dave’s blue toffs! I know you agree. Our country comes first.
Mavis, what you must do is clear.
Go to the country NOW!
“Now!” you say.
NOW!! and we can keep the Tory cutters out!
You’re confused, Mavis. I can see it in your eyes. let me explain and help you decide.
Mavis, get the fuck out of this country and let anyone else – left wing of course – take us through the election. Victory is ours but only if you, as usual, put the country ahead of your own ambitions.
Mavis, Go to the country NOW!
Any bloody country will do as long as you’re not here!!
My advice to him is still spot on.