Thursday, 6 March 2014

Why Do I Blog?

Over the last 7 years many times I have wondered what was the point of my blogging.  Hour upon hour wasted for only a few visitors.  What’s the point of putting my heart and soul into this for what pay off?   Being visited was an indicator of my worth.  I know that seems weird; that I must seem weird but I am what I am. [Hopefully I am changing now with the grace of our Almighty Father]  Visitors really, really mattered.

Why don’t I just scrub the entire blog?   I’ve been very close …..

…. but then there was last night.

A visitor stayed and stayed and stayed opening a page every few minutes for more than 90mins.  Many seemed to be from the time I wrote incessantly about mental health issues.

…. and then I knew why?


  1. Ah, that would be me... I wondered if you'd notice but not this soon!

    I found your blog because I was looking for others who had been through the same with the NHS mental health services as myself, for validation I suppose.

  2. I was still in my teens when I went to the GP for what I believed to be depression (still do actually, psych diagnoses are simply a label on a cluster of behaviours that commonly arise together...) Long story short, someone somewhere decided to label me with BPD. I didn't have a formal assessment, just aquired the label somehow. I think it was the GP due to some of the outrageous things he said to me ("you're just one of those people" etc.) and the fact that I never got offered any treatment from the word go.

    As things worsened, I was regularly being taken to the hospital under section by the police, usually offered no assessment, and always sent away as a waste of time. If I tried to stand up for myself they gleefully used it as 'evidence' of BPD, being disagreeable. I made a complaint and the extracts from my notes, the lies and manipulation they use, showed me it was a losing battle. To this day I daren't read my NHS records because it would break me.

    I was also in an abusive relationship at the time, and living under threat of violence due to a separate situation. (I reiterate: I was 19 at the time!) Because of the BPD label I was refused housing assistance from the council. The MH services colluded with my abusive (older) boyfriend and if I was ever upset at how he treated me I was accused of 'splitting'. he was offered sympathy and supportive phonelines.

    The worst thing is, I have ended up with a criminal record (and loads more charges that were dropped/public order offences) due to standing up for myself (eg. refusing to leave until I'd got help) and due to being angry (non-violently) about the situations I was trapped in. I always wanted to be a nurse, and a few years ago should have begun training. However the place was withdrawn at the last minute once they'd seen my criminal and NHS records. The people who did this to me are probably still out there inflicting their cruelty on patients, but I am deemed too risky. All the caring careers are closed to me now, despite feeling I was placed on this earth to help people.

    There were too many arrests to count, terrible things that happened but the police would do nothing, calling me a 'drama queen', I was terrified and alone so many times. I've been homeless and kicked out of the hostel for not being 'priority' as BPD wasn't seen as mentally ill. I've been restrained so many times that when it hurts badly in a warped way I want to be arrested because that's the only human touch I had in pain back then.

    I was eventually given some therapy several years later - and properly assessed, so they had to remove the BPD diagnosis but the stigma remained. The therapist was lovely but there were constant issues coming up to do with stuff written about me that she was working from - rather than focussing on how I felt, it was all about 'changing behaviours' that actually only existed around the mental health team!!

    I thought I'd escaped it all when I had another breakdown, probably because I was finally 'safe'. Then the nightmares and flashbacks started. It's been 3.5 years of chasing treatment now. I'm lucky enough to have been offered funds for private therapy (from family member) and I know this is what I have to do; no-one in the NHS can help because they will not be allowed to criticise the system.

    It's almost 10 years since it all began. Whatever the original issues were, the stuff that affects me now is to do with what happened when I tried to get help, and the surrounding circumstances. I precisely fit the diagnosis of 'complex PTSD' - as yet not an official diagnosis.

    I have NEVER fulfilled enough diagnostic criteria to be diagnosed BPD. But the layers upon layers of lies and misrepresentation have forever condemned me.
    Not that it should matter, even if I DID have it.

    Sorry for the essay x

  3. With regards your blog, I confess it was the mental health bits I was after, though generally find your style entertaining. Have you considered writing fiction?

    Also... I was devasted at the bit where you and Mrs. Carr split, thinking you were leaving her for being unwell...then the lovely things you said... It didn't fit, you know, with her having a BPD diagnosis (or even 'label' which is more pesky as you can't demand treatment). People with BPD (*or rather those who have the kind of issues that BPD is shorthand for... I hate the label) usually fear abandonment as a core issue - she should have been clinging to you! I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn but it's awful how BPD is overdiagnosed, then everything the patient does is pathologised and squeezed to fit the label.

    Please are you able to update on Mrs. Carr, even in a private message? Also this page:
    led to blogs that are now private, I know it's years old but I would like to know of others in the same boat and what has happened, and fight alongside them if necessary. So if it is possible to email them and get an invite that would be amazing.

    Thank you for bothering to care about the way your wife was treated, and how we have all been treated.

  4. Hi MM

    Thank you for caring enough to read and to write.

    I will reply to your comments. I'm just going out and I want to take my time to read your words and so possibly tomorrow before I reply but I shall do so.

    Take care and blessings


  5. Myrtle (I'm not going to use your pseudonymic surname)

    Thank you for reading so much of my writing: I'm hugely touched.

    I read all your blog posts: you write so well, so insightfully and, despite the darkness of the subject matter, there is a humour peeping through. Following a sentence like this there is always a 'but'. You are struggling and battling with your health but also, outrageously, with the system. The very system that should be there to help, in many cases does the opposite. It damns and condemns. I can't know what is best for you but I can understand your desire to leave the NHS. Our experience was that the mental health services were worse than useless and that their prejudices/blindness infected GPs. What a professional sees with their eyes carries much less weight than a few previously written letters in an NHS record.

    Changing Health Board and leaving the NHS mental health services were key steps in Mrs Carr's recovery. Mrs Carr was fortunate, some would say, to find a wonderful local Christian charity who offered a free counselling service but I say she was not fortunate but that God led her.

    If you wish me to pray for you let me know.

    May the Lord be with you tonight and every day which follows.


    PS Unfortunately, I have no way of contacting the writers of the missing blog posts nor do I have copies of the posts.

  6. You know I have always enjoyed reading your blog and it is good to hear your voice again.

    I also like you music choices. Unfortunately I haven't been able to listen to your recent ones, my computer has no sound and needs fixing!

  7. Hi CP

    I thought that was you showing up on my stats but I couldn't be sure until now. Great to see you here again.

    How long I'll be writing for this time I don't know but I suspect it won't be long. I've already been close to retiring once more.

    Certainly there are two more music posts scheduled and so they will appear regardless of what I decide.